What You Didn't Know
by Bringyourownidol
Summary: [Oneshot] It’s the question we all want answered: Who shagged who first? Bexie1217 investigates, and is in for a whole lot of trouble!


Bexie1217:

In an exclusive interview we have been able to get the entire Hogwarts gang (both dead and alive!) to come and talk to us about a highly sensitive topic, the details of which have not been explained to them until this very moment.

Hi everyone!

Everyone: Hi!

Bexie1217:

As I was saying, none of you have any idea what I'm about to ask and yet you all agreed to answer my question, how does that make you feel?

Harry:

Kind of nervous, I guess.

Ron:

Yeah, I reckon we ought to have thought about it a bit more first.

Hermione:

I'm always telling you not to make any rash decisions.

Snape:

Then, why, Miss Granger, did you decide to do likewise?

Hermione:

Well, um, I…

Snape:

Well said, indeed!

Prof. McGonagall:

I suppose the decision might have been slightly haphazard on my part, but you did ask me in the middle of a Quidditch match, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, you know.

Draco:

Well, I'll tell you how I feel; bored.

Crabbe:

Yeah.

Goyle:

Grunt.

Sirius:

I have no qualms what-so-ever about it.

Prof. Lupin:

Well, of course, _you_ wouldn't!

Sirius:

Well- I am a rough and tumble kinda guy.

Prof. Dumbledore:

Now, Bexie1217, instead of making us shake in our proverbial boots, would you mind getting on with the interview, I never was one for long speeches.

Bexie1217:

Right you are, Professor Dumbledore sir, so here goes. The question that I am going to ask you, the one that you have all agreed to answer is….

Ron:

Slightly above-board, isn't she?

Ginny:

A-hem!

Bexie1217:

Thank you, Ginny.

Lockheart:

Well, quite frankly, I thought you might be doing a follow-up piece on me. I'm quite famous don't you…

(Loses train of thought when he catches sight of himself in the face of Harry's wristwatch.)

Fred:

Can we get on with this?

George:

We already know that you're going to ask us for our Increasing Itching Powder recipe.

Fred:

_Witch Weekly_ already asked, and we said no!

Bexie1217:

Boys! The question is…who was your first?

Snape:

First what, Miss. Bexie1217? First detention?

Bexie1217:

Please, Professor, feel free to call me Bexie1217.

Draco:

First kill?

Hermione:

Ugh! Honestly!

Proffessor McGonigall:

Well, the question does seem to be a bit vague…

Bexie1217: (getting exasperated)

You're first! Come on…as in your first shag!

Ginny: (sputtering)

My first what!

Peeves:

Blows a raspberry

Goyle:

Huh?

Bexie1217:

Don't tell me they don't have sex at Hogwarts? Do you know how many fanfics people write about your sex lives!

Draco:

When you say 'your' you really mean mine, though, right?

Bexie1217:

Not only you, Draco!

Draco:

Hmpf!

Fred:

Ha!

Bexie1217:

Do you know how many people would be devastated, DEVASTATED, to learn that you guys never did it?

Sirius:

Alright, no need to get your knickers in a twist. The magical world isn't as…PG…shall we say, as J.K. portrays it, I for one…

Professor Lupin:

Sirius, there are youngsters present, I really don't think it's a good idea to-ah- reminisce about your-er- youthful exploits!

Ginny:

Well, Bexie1217, I don't really see how this pertains to…

Draco: (winking)

Oh, come on, Gin, everyone knows you're not as innocent as you look…

Harry:

Did you just call her Gin?

Ron:

Why would he do that?

Ginny: (blushing)

Er-no reason.

Ron, Fred, and George:

GINNY!

Hermione:

I honestly don't know what you all expected, I …

Snape:

You, Miss Granger, have never pried your face out of a book long enough to—

Professor McGonigall:

Severus! Really!

Ron:

GIN!

Harry:

Snape…

Professor Dumbledore:

_Professor_ Snape, Harry.

Harry:

Yes, fine. Professor Snape, I'll have you know that Hermione…

Bexie1217:

That Hermione what? For the love of God! Please tell me. Landing this story is going to be the defining moment of my career. I _have_ to know!

Ron:

Harry, what would you know about Hermione's affairs?

Harry:

Errmm…hermurpf (mumbling…)

George: (coyly)

Are you sure that we really have that much to tell, Bex, you don't mind if I call you that do you?

Bexie1217: (blushing)

No..er.. not at all, ahh….George

Draco: (yawning)

I for one don't see the problem with this question. As long as everyone has a few hours to spare…my list, you see, is quite considerable!

Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)

Huh-huh…huh.

Hermione:

The list may be considerable, but other things of yours aren't, Malfoy!

Harry:

Hermione, what is that supposed to mean?

Ron:

Have you…

Draco:

Exactly what are _you_ complaining about, mudblood. You weren't exactly complaining when I—

Bexie1217: (having regained her voice)

Right! You guys are going too fast! I want a straight answer out of each of you in turn.

Draco:

Before we answer any questions…exactly what _is_ your lineage?

Professor Lupin:

We could pick numbers out a hat.

Sirius:

I would be more than willing to go first!

Lockheart:

Oh… and look I have a hat! See! (Points at hat)

Bexie1217:

Well, I have already made a list…

Professor McGonigall:

Fire away then, Miss Bexie1217.

Bexie1217:

Thank you, professor, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, you're first.

Ron:

Nearly-headless Nick? Surely not!

Fred:

I mean the guy was beheaded for goodness sake!

Sir Nicholas: (indignant)

Why do you think I was beheaded Mr. Weasley? I was found dallying with the Duke's daughter!

Bexie1217:

You see! That wasn't so hard, alright, next is….

Sir Nicholas: (nostalgic)

She was a beautiful maiden. Slightly Spanish by the look of it, skin the color of maple, the smell of the orient pulsing from her veins, her hair, the most gorgeous color bro-

Peeves:

Peevsie doesn't care about her hair! I want to hear about the goods!

Hermione:

See Ron, you're almost just as bad as Peeves.

Ginny:

Really!

Draco:

Well, now we're getting somewhere!

Sir Nicholas: (blushing)

Well, in that respect, she had HUGE—

Bexie1217:

Actually, Sir Nicholas, our readers are more interested in the more…

Remus:

Youthful?

Sirius: (tossing his hair back over his shoulder)

Savagely sexy?

George:

Mischievous?

Ron:

Hot?

Draco:

Me!

Bexie1217:

Er- the more, well known characters. But, er-thank you so much for stopping by!

Fred:

Oooh! Dissed!

Draco:

Harsh! Hey Bexie1217, you're not so bad after all…

Bexie1217:

He... he…well. t-thank you Draco, that really is quite nice of-

George:

Ask me! Oh, Please. Ask me!

Bexie1217:

No, George! Crabbe is next.

Crabbe:

Uh…

George:

Ask!

Crabbe: (Grunting)

M-mmmmmmmm-eeeeeee?

George:

Me!

Draco:

I think we should skip Crabbe and Goyle, aside from the fact that what they do to whoever lets them in the closet is really quite unappetizing; it would take hours to get a declarative sentence out of them!

Crabbe: (scratches head)

Huh..huh…

Goyle:

Grunt

George:

Me! Me!

Bexie1217:

Well, fine, okay George, you!

George: (straightening out robes)

Why, Bex, I thought you'd never ask.

Ron:

Oh, for the love of god!

Lockheart:

Ooohhh…God? I signed an autograph for him once, I did!

Ginny:

I'm sure you did professor.

George: (nostalgically)

My first was Katie Bell.

Bexie1217:

Okay, simple, next! Professor Snape!

Hermione:

Ewwww….

Sirius: (disappointed)

Awwwww…

Professor Snape:

You couldn't get me to answer your ridiculous question if you had twenty gallons of Veritaserum.

Sirius:

No need to. I can tell you who it was.

Snape:

Black, I'm warning you!

Remus:

Hehe

Sirius:

James and I caught Snivellus up to something nasty in the library one day.

Harry:

Surely you don't mean….

Sirius:

Oh yes I do, albeit, Madame Pince wasn't so vulture-y in those days.

Harry + Ron + Remus:

Ha ha ha ha ha! Madame Pince!

Hermione: (shocked)

In the library! That place is…is… (words fail her)

Draco:

It's like her mother ship.

Ron:

Shut Up Malfoy! Hermione can't help that she's a tad…literary.

Ginny:

But Professor Snape, Madame Pince is ancient!

Draco: (laughing)

It might not have been so bad. Her nez pierce and humpback are pretty hot!

Snape:

Malfoy!

Malfoy:

Er-sorry Professor.

Hermione:

Malfoy, you would get turned on by a- a

Ginny:

Mible Mimbletonia!

Ron:

Ha!

Draco:

Very clever, Gin. First Prize for Sassiness goes to you, both in and out of bed.

Ginny:

Don't you dare!

Bexie1217:

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Ron:

Waaaa! Professor Dumbledore! Draco ruined my sister!

Snape:

That temper has ruined her!

Ginny:

I'm _not_ ruined! That's just wishful thinking on his part.

Draco:

Whatever! Talk to my amazingly manicured pureblood hand!

Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)

Huh..huh..huh

Bexie1217:

Yes, er, Professor Dumbledore would you mind answering my question.

Hermione:

Wait! Er- sorry professor, but do you mind if I don't listen?

Professor Dumbledore:

Ewwww…I'm like a gazillion years old!

Professor McGonagall:

Miss Bexie1217, you must realize that people over forty don't have sex, will never have sex, and have never had sex.

Professor Dumbledore:

Yes, it would just be too gross for your young minds to imagine. Old people sex-Ick!

Professor McGonagall:

Although, as a young girl I was first intimate with a man—

Bexie1217 + Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Sirius, Remus:

NEXT!

Sirius:

I'll go! She was gorgeous. Best looking girl of the year!

Remus: (thoughtfully)

Aside from Lily of course…

Harry:

Ha!

Bexie1217: (writing on her clipboard)

So, Sirius, I can put you down as having had a gorgeous Mary-Sue, then.

Peeves:

Okay, now we got the old farts out of the way!

Ginny:

Er- what about Professor Lockheart?

Lockheart:

Hmm….

Bexie1217:

Yes, Professor, who was your first shag?

Lockheart:

Ooohh…I know this…it was...it was…I can't remember.

Bexie1217:

Okay, now, no one else is willing to share?

-- Silence--

Bexie1217:

Fine! We are going to do this really quickly. Ready? One word answers. No explanations necessary.

Fred!

Fred:

Alicia!

Bexie1217:

Draco!

Draco:

Pansy Parkinson!

Bexie1217:

Harry! Harry…

Lee Jordan:

Hey! How about me? Why wasn't I asked?

Bexie1217:

Oh, sorry Lee, but I wasn't going to include you in the interview.

Lee:

You have to! Pleeeeeeeeaase!

Bexie1217:

Er...well…

Lee:

Oh, c'mon, I'm like Fred and George's best friend. Remember that tarantula I had in the first book? That was cool!

Ron:

Yeah, I guess it was.

Harry:

And he always used to announce the scores in Quidditch.

Bexie1217: (hesitating)

Well. That _is_ true.

Lee:

And…my hair…it's so cool! I have dreadlocks!

Professor McGonagall:

Well-he does have a point. Doesn't he?

Bexie1217: (exasperated)

Fine! Lee, who was your first shag?

Lee:

My first was Angelina Johnson. Remember that time in the Quidditch match where I said she wouldn't go out with me? Well, she did, after that and then…and then… (Lee gets a distant look in his eye)

Bexie1217:

Aww…That's really cute. Okaaaaaaaay…where was I? Oh, yes…

Harry!

Harry:

Ginny!

Bexie1217:

Ginny!

Ginny:

Harry!

Draco:

Ha! I knew it!

Bexie1217:

Ron!

Ron:

Hermione!

Hermione:

Ron! I can't believe you told everyone!

Professor McGonagall:

Oh, get over it Miss Granger. Most of us already knew!

Draco:

Weasley, I always knew you were a muggle-lover, I just didn't realize that it was literal!

Bexie1217:

Hermione!

Hermione:

Oh, very well, Ron!

Bexie1217:

Hmm…that is interesting…I guess…

Ginny:

What!

Fred: (aghast)

Are you saying we're not interesting?

Bexie1217:

Well-your answers, they were, sort of…predictable.

Draco:

Boring! I know. I wish it'd been someone else. As for me- it would have been cool if my first shag had been the Patil twins. At the same time!

Crabbe:

Huh..huh…huh

Goyle:

Grunt

Hermione:

Wow! Ron, I think we just found someone less sensitive than you!

Ron:

Yes! So…Hermione…wanna go shag now?

Hermione:

Never mind. I take that back. You are equally horrid!

Bexie1217:

Would you guys mind terribly if I-uh-used some journalistic license to make this story more interesting?

Ginny: (sarcastically)

No, by all means go ahead and toy with our love lives.

George: (sarcastically)

Oh, yes please!

Bexie1217:

Okay, so it's a rough idea but how does this sound:

Harry had sex with Pansy who did it with Fred who shagged Ginny- er no- you're related- wait, wait- okay, with Fred who shagged Snape, who raped Draco who…

Draco + Snape:

Hey!

Bexie1217: (not paying them any attention)

…deflowered Hermione who tempted Ron who found himself alone in class with McGonagall, who'd met up with Dumbledore, who'd shagged Ginny who'd always fancied George- no wait, I forgot to alternate Weasley's!

Harry:

So basically everyone has shagged everyone!

Ron:

Ugh! Does that mean that we've shagged too?

Draco:

Yes it does. But everyone in Slytherin thinks you two did it already. There was a rumor. I created it of course but…

Bexie1217:

No, but that makes no sense because then we've forgotten Lockheart…and Lee, oh and Alicia as well.

Hermione: (coolly)

Oh, yes, that really does ruin everything.

Draco:

Shut up, Granger. I kinda like this game!

Ginny:

Yes, well, you would wouldn't you.

Ron:

Always has been one for games.

Draco:

Yes, that is true, I guess. Ask the mudblood she knows.

Harry:

Hermione, what _is_ he talking about?

Hermione:

Nothing!

Bexie1217:

Can everyone be quiet for a second! I think I've got it; I've just got to carry the last Weasley and subtract one Patil.

Draco:

Surely you haven't forgotten….remember that amusing little game we played the other night…with the ropes and the whipped cr------aaagggggggggg.

Harry and Ron and Draco start fighting.

Professor Dumbledore: (wistful)

Ahhhh! Young Love!

Professor McGonagall:

This is all highly irregular!

Bexie1217:

Alright! Cut it out you three! I've got it. Listen carefully, so we can get our stories straight.

Here goes (takes a deep breath)…

Snape and Sirius you've always had something going on the side-Sirius: McGonagall, McGonagall met up with Dumbledore, who shacked up with Lockheart who found Hermione who was seduced by Draco-joined by Ginny- who then hooked up with Lee, who rolled in the hay with Patil- who, in turn, toyed with Parkinson-then, Weasley- Potter-Weasley-Spinnet-

Harry:

Hey! This is starting to sound like a Quidditch game!

Ginny:

Yeah!

Draco:

Uh-huh- except with the quaffle of Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuvvvve.

Hermione:

Ugh! Disgusting!

Bexie1217: (panting)

Wait, I'm not done…

Potter-Weasley-Spinnet-Weasley-do I have all my Weasleys? Then Longbottom-Mimsy Porpinion-no that doesn't work- wrong century…Longbottom-Malfoy-Dumbledore-Snape, are we back where we started yet?

George: (bitter)

So wait, I lost it to Potter, who then found Patil? Or the other way around?

Ginny: (angry)

Oh, yeah and did I pleasure Malfoy before I met up with Snape or after, I just can't remember?

Bexie1217:

Well, George found Patil on her own and then had Lavender who then slept with Ron, joined by Harry... joined by George…no that can't be right!

Ron: (whispering)

Happy we cleared that up!

Bexie1217:

And Ginny slept with Malfoy but was interested in Longbottom who had a hankering for McGonagall who always fancied Ginny who gave it up to Luna- no- to…to…

Professor Dumbledore: (slightly amused)

Glad you got that out of your system?

Bexie1217:

Yes…pant, pant…yes.

Fred: (sarcastically)

Well, that really is a relief!

Bexie1217:

Yes, I am now quite convinced that this will make an excellent story.

Hermione:

But won't people find your written notes of our interview and know that it isn't true?

Bexie1217:

Oh, these? (Indicates paper on her clipboard)

Naaaahhhh! (Waves hand)

It's not like I would _post_ these or something!

Draco: (sarcastically)

Just when I was worried for my reputation! You know some people think me positively virginal!

Ginny:

Who? The Giant Squid?

Draco: (blushing)

Er-no. My mummy!

Ron:

Haha! Well, she's about as wrong as can be!

Harry: (raises eyebrow)

Hey, Bexie1217, can I-er-ask you something?

Bexie1217: (blushing)

Oh...y-yes…of c-course… I mean, you're Harry Potter! You are like the hottest bravest wizard ever, please let me have your babies! (sigh)

Sirius:

Hahaha!

Harry:

Well, since you've asked us so many questions, I think it's only fair that we ask some.

Bexie1217:

I don't really underst-

Draco:

What Potter means is; it's your turn!

Bexie1217:

I really don't think-

Ginny:

Oh, come on…

Fred: (slyly)

We really only have _one _question to ask you.

George:

Yes, but it concerns a sensitive topic.

Hermione: (earnestly)

It would be REALLY hypocritical of you not to.

Ron:

You said yourself you weren't going to post your transcript.

Bexie1217:

Right, but-

Professor Dumbledore:

I always encourage my students to ask questions, go ahead kids!

Ginny: (taking on a professional air)

Alright, Miss Bexie1217, who was _your_ first?

Bexie1217:

F-first?

Draco:

Don't play coy with us.

George:

Yes, we promise we won't tell.

Bexie1217:

T-telll….

Harry:

C'mon, you can trust us.

Sirius: (winking)

Absolutely!

Snape:

If she won't answer, there are certain _methods_ of finding out.

Bexie1217:

But, _I'm_ the reporter! I have a clipboard and a click-y pen.

Look!

(Clicks pen)

See!

Draco:

Don't pretend they don't have sex in the muggle world. You look like you've been around the block a couple of times!

Bexie1217: (insulted)

Well, how very rude of you! I'll have you know-

Fred:

Yeeeeeessssssssss!

Peeves:

Blows Raspberry

Ginny:

Continue…

Bexie1217:

Well…

Ron:

Uh-huh…

Draco: (laughing)

Look, if there's any kind of trouble I could-er-help you revise your answer, if you'd just step out into the hall for a minute- or fifteen!

Crabbe + Goyle: (snickering)

Huh, huh…huh

Ginny:

Bexie1217, we're waiting

George:

And Fred and I have another interview to be getting to.

Hermione:

So spill!

Lockheart:

Ooh! A spill! Everyone watch your robes! Butterbeer doesn't come out as well as you'd think!

Bexie1217:

Thank you everyone for the great interview, I r-really-er-learned a lot of-er important umm…

Professor Dumbledore: (amused)

Facts?

Bexie1217:

Er-right, facts, but I really should be going now and-

Ginny:

Oh no, you don't!

Harry:

You didn't answer!

Bexie1217:

Oh, and it was honor to meet all of you, I do hope we'll be able to do this again sometime and you won't all be angry with me becau-

Draco:

Oh ho! You're not leaving until you answer, missy!

Ron:

I won't, he, he, laugh or anything…he…he…HAHAHA!

Sirius:

The rest of us have plenty of time to spare.

Remus:

For some reason I find that even I am a bit curious to know.

Hermione:

I think she looks sort of smug.

Ginny:

You're right, she does!

George:

Why is she smiling?

Fred:

Yeah, why are you smiling?

Bexie1217:

Because I've just run out of transcript pa-

* * *

Okay, so I lied about posting the transcript!

I hoped you liked it.

Please leave a review.

xxx-Bexie1217


End file.
